


All I see around me is your missing light

by soulhead



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Introspection, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Writer!Nico
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22940749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulhead/pseuds/soulhead
Summary: It all seems like a mirage, a dream his mind concocted to soothe him during lonely and cold nights in impersonal hotel rooms. But for once, it isn't. Nico is there, next to him.Or, in this Lewis is still the formula 1 driver we all know. Nico though, is an author and in a long-distance relationship with Lewis. And while Lewis couldn't wish for a more fulfilling relationship, he's growing tired of the "long-distance" aspect of it.
Relationships: Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg
Comments: 12
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

Today isn't his day.

At all.

Actually, he doesn't even know what day it is. His flight back from Abu Dhabi to Monaco seemed to have spanned over an eternity, thanks to his plane being delayed and one of his luggage getting temporarily lost at Nice's Airport. With the way his articulations and back manage to make him wince every time he moves now, he's glad to finally have reached the end of the season, so resting can be the only thing on his mind for the next months.

Impatiently, he reaches his phone to realize it's already past 9:00. Usually the distance between the airport and his home can be easily covered in 30 minutes, but Joseph – his chauffeur – hasn't stopped swearing under his breath about traffic jams for just as long.

And to think he promised Nico he would be home by 8:30 this evening...

His patience is usually one of his strong point, hell, there was even a point in his career where he would have done anything to postpone returning to his house after the end of the season. There were too many end of the year events to intend to, too many occasions to meet new people around the world to just go back to his old flat. But all of that belonged to a time before Nico, before he had something he could call their home to come back to. And now here he is, stuck in the backseat of his chauffeur's car, his every limbs almost trembling with jittery energy and feeling like a child about to ask his parents for the thousandth time if they are there, yet.

With a huff, he tries to readjust himself on the backseat and to decipher the dark landscape of the Monaco from his seat through the raging storm outside.

It didn't use to be this difficult, he recalls. Sure, missing Nico wasn't something new but this season seemed to have been dragged on and on. More often than not, the last months away of Nico had been spent trying in vain to fend off the the heavy weight resting on his chest whenever he thought about home and the person that was waiting him there.

Maybe he's simply growing soft with the time passing by, the years of only seeing Nico by intermissions finally catching up to him, he muses.

«...wis ? Lewis, we're here.» his chauffeur announces, startling him out of his introspection as he hold his door open.

«Ah, thanks Joseph !» he splutters as he exits the car hastily. Heavy rain and strong gusts of wind hit his face immediately as he takes his suitcase and backpack.

«Do you want me to help you carry those to your apartment ?»

«No, it's alright, I'll manage. Have a safe return to your home Joseph.»

«You too, Lewis and send my regards to Nico !»

«Will do !» he almost screams to be heard over the noise of the wind before opening the entrance to their apartment complex without a glance back.

As soon as the elevator's door open, he smashes the button to his floor and let a deep sigh out, trying his best to relax himself. Once inside their apartment, Lewis swears the first thing he'll do will be to sink into the embrace of his lover and breath in his cologne.

It's only then that he'll stop feeling like he's split into two, one part of him being glad to finally reach home, the other one still carrying in his bone the dread of the last months. And the best part will be that he'll get to do it without a part of his subconscious constantly reminding him of how little time they have left together before Lewis has to take another flight away.

He's back home now and he's here to stay.

From the corner of his eyes, his gaze crosses his own reflection in the elevator's mirror and he can't help but try to frantically reign in the mess that has become his hair. A few laments escape his lips as he notes the damages the storm has caused on his usually meticulously crafted appearance. And to say he had spent a good 30 minutes in the bathroom this morning to look good for Nico....

When he finally reaches his floor, he almost runs to his home's entrance and open the door. To his surprise, he's met with nothing but silence and darkness.

«Nico ?»

His voice echoes into the quietness of their home. He gets rid of his coat and shoes hastily in the hallway and puts them next to his suitcase before closing the door behind him as quietly as he can. Blindly, he reaches for the lightswitch and he can't help but smile as his five senses suddenly seem to rise awake. The faint sense of the incense Nico always lights up in the evening that fill his nostrils, the warmth coming of the floor heating tickling his feet...He missed it all so much, even the disarray of paper sheets Nico left on the desk and the unwashed pots swimming in the sink...Scratch that, he missed it all _too_ much.

Who he longed even more than the sight of their flat during this past month is still nowhere to be seen as he enters their living room. Curiously and careful to not make a noise, he makes his way to their bedroom.

Maybe after all, he isn't the only one growing old, he thinks at the thought of Nico once again having dozed off in the middle of his late night writing session, an occurrence that had grown increasingly regular over the past year.

Slowly, he pushes open the bedroom's door. Through the darkness of the room, Lewis can still see that, as he was expecting, Nico is lying on his back, head turned slightly toward the windows. The outline of his face is illuminated by the light coming from the corridor behind Lewis and his throat suddenly constricts against his will.

How he had missed this sight.

His lover looks so serene like that, oblivious to his presence and all the troubles of the world. Reluctantly, he ends up turning his back to the scene to go to the bathroom to change himself in a pair of pyjamas.

Once he's done, he reaches the empty side of his bed on the tip of his toes and he lifts up the sheets almost reverently to the sight of his lover resting peacefully a few inches away of him.

He pushes himself closer to Nico, enjoying how warm the sheets are and turn his body toward his lover. His leg hits a small pencil he didn't see before. Dropped open by Nico, Lewis is sure it left an ink stain on the sheet. A small smile appears on his face, he can bet that if he stood up from the bed to look at the floor, he would find one of Nico's notebooks down on the floor.

One of his hand almost instinctively finds his way on his lover's chest, brushing lightly over the warm skin. Seconds, minutes pass and the sound of the rain outside is the only reminder to Lewis that the world hasn't stopped turning. God, who would have thought he would become so dependent on this man ? Certainly not the Lewis he was a few years ago.

He's startled from his dazed state when a flash illuminates the walls of their bedroom, followed a few second later by a low rumble. He turns his head toward the windows and observes the sky lightning up, revealing glimpses of the mass of clouds looming over the city. He catches himself thinking that after all the delays and the mishaps of his journey back home, he's still lucky to be safe and warm when he could still be blocked in the confine space of his plane and unable to land because of the storm.

«Lewis ?» a groggy voice catches back his attention.

«Hey sleepyhead.» he whispers. It's a shame that through the dark of the night, Lewis can only imagine the confused and groggy expression on Nico's face. Lewis has always been particularly fond of it, especially how it is such a change from Nico's usually impeccable appearance. It's a sight only Lewis is allowed to witness and his heart swells when he thinks of how lucky he is to be granted access to this side of his lover.

«You...What..» Nico stops himself before reaching out to put on his nightlight « You took a flight early ?»

«No, it's just you who fell asleep head first in your notebook, like the grandfather you're slowly becoming.»

Usually, that remark would have earned him a playful hit in the shoulder. Right now through, after almost one month without seeing each other, all his partner does is to intertwine their legs together and rest his head on Lewis chest.

«Welcome home.» Nico's hoarse voice pierces the ambient silence. Lewis isn't sure if his voice sounds like that because of sleep.

His heart pangs at the thought of Nico missing him just a quarter of how intensely Lewis longed for him. Has he too lived through this year as if their time together was only a small recess before they had to go back on their separate ways ? Where has the frenzy and exhilaration that characterized their past reunions gone ? Since when has it been replaced by this solemn relief between the two of them, almost as if the last months had drained them too much to allow them anything but this quiet moment between them ?

His head and hearts hurts at the thoughts of the possible answers to those questions.

It's too late for this kind of thoughts, Lewis decides. So, he tries his best to focus on the warm weight against his chest and the rise and fall of Nico's abdomen against his hand.

It all seems like a mirage, a dream his mind concocted to sooth him during lonely and cold nights in impersonal hotel rooms. But for once, it isn't. _Nico is there, next to him_.

So tonight, he'll let his subconscious carry him elsewhere than to this side of him that is usually filled with longing. Instead, his brain will come up with abstract concepts that will only leave him with confusing memories when he will wakes up. And as he will open his eyes, he'll realize Nico's entire weight rests on his chest, his lover having found a way to drap himself over him during the night.

Then, Lewis will only hold him tighter, irrationally wishing they could merge into one person, just so he could take Nico along with him wherever his career lead him.


	2. Chapter 2

A part of Lewis, if not his entire being, remains permanently in Monaco, surrounded by nothing but _home_.

It's almost as if when he pushed the door of their apartment open back in December, someone locked the entrance behind him, forbidding him to ever fully get back to the rest of the world.

At least, it's the only explanation he has to explain the haze he's been navigating through since the beginning of February. Unlike last years, the official launch of his team's new car, the first day of testing and all the briefings that preceded unfolded and...Well, Lewis doesn't know to explain it even to himself, but his head isn't in the right place, no matter how hard he tries to focus during the day. His thoughts keeps betraying him and he can't help but let them wander through the vibrant memories of the two blessed months he spent alongside his lover.

As a consequence, when his eyes should be focused on data sheets or the reports his team hands to him, he indulges himself instead in exploring the memories he created with Nico during his winter break. The faces of his team disappear before him to be replaced by the sight of Nico's arms encircling his waist during long lazy afternoon near their fireplace, both feeling too hot in each others arms and under the pile of blankets surrounding them, yet not daring to break their embrace. Sometime, it's even smaller fragments of their life together that pop in his mind, like Nico looking slightly dissatisfied while trying to rule in a rebellious strand of hair or just the way his lover kept tutting at him when he was caught feeding their new dog one too many treats.

In those moments, the distant roar of any engines, the rushed and heated discussions between engineers : It all becomes background noises. After awhile, he even stops pretending to be bothered by his inability to focus and surrender to it entirely. At least, Valterri seems satisfied with how much of his input is taken directly into account during their meetings, now that Lewis barely has anything to say.

Toto though started asking questions in private almost immediately about his laid-back behavior, to which Lewis simply said Angela – his physiotherapist slash performance coach slash basically everything – and he were working on «it». A poor and vague excuse really, one that Toto had still accepted respectfully.

Yet, he's sufficiently self-aware to know this complacency will come back to bite him. He may indulges himself, his team too...But the other pilots, once the competition will have started certainly won't.

He isn't sure whether he cares or not.

He's in the middle of debating that last thought of his when a familiar voice extirpates him from his reveries. It takes him a moment to realize that the distant figure ahead of him belongs to Sebastian. He's sitting a couple of table away of him in the previously deserted restaurant's terrace Lewis found refuge in at the end of their first day of test in Barcelona.

So, instead of swallowing in his little self-pity party that he improvised for himself, he takes his drink in one hand and use the other to pull his weight up and walk toward his rival.

«Hi Seb, you're doing better ?» he can't help himself but to inquire after Sebastian's absence during the first day of testing was the talk of half of the paddock.

«Ah, I'm still pumped with medications but I managed to sleep a bit more today so I feel better now.»

«Talk about bad timing, eh ?»

«Yeah, the medias are probably having a field day, already talking about me cracking under the pressure.» Sebastian groans.

«When aren't they having a field day ?» Lewis ponders outloud «Anyway, do you want me to go order you something ? It'll be on me.»

«Oh no, it's fine, I've already – Ah he's coming !» Sebastian's face suddenly lit up and he waves his hand to signal his place to someone behind Lewis back.

«Here, honey and lemon tea.» the person, who turns out to be Kimi, announces with an almost imperceptible smile on his face as he places a tea pot and cup in front of Sebastian. He then turns his head in Lewis direction and acknowledge his presence with a curt node « There's no more seat for you on the whole terrace to sit on Lewis ?»

«Oh, come on Kimi.» Sebastian swats softly his shoulder «Drop the caveman act for a second ! Not all of us thrive on instilling fear in everybody, some of us like to have civil conversation with colleagues !»

«I instill fear in you ?» Kimi raises his eyebrows as he wraps his arm around Sebastian's shoulder.

«You've been trying for years in vain...All I'm saying is that some of us like to get company that's all...»

«Company uh...Speaking of it, how is that german model of yours ?» Kimi asks conversationally, now directing his eyes back in Lewis direction. At the same time Sebastian chokes on his drink in surprise, his eyes immediately sparking in curiosity.

«You're dating someone?» the Ferrari driver asks in a high tone that betrays his curiosity.

«Nico's not a model, he's an author.» Lewis rectifies.

«Could've had me fooled with that blue steel of his.» Kimi says in a snort «He should swing by during one of the Grand Prix, could do you good.»

Sebastian is alternating between looking at both of them, as if following the ball during the most intense tennis match.

«How do...How do you even know that ? Do I know him ? What's his name ? From which part of Germa-»

«Now, look like from the both of us I'm the one who do the most socializing if Lewis never mentioned his boyfriend to you ! Anyway, you know him, the same Nico-guy that takes up almost half of our bookcase ?»

Sebastian's expression goes from affronted to confused in a matter of seconds as he tries to make sense of Kimi's vague answer.

«Nico...You mean Rosberg ? THE Nico Rosberg » he concludes, his eyes wide.

Lewis hesitates before he nods in approbation, proud of being, well, THE Nico Roseberg's boyfriend, as Sebastian would say. That's definitely a title he can work with, even if he's still a bit unaccustomed to people knowing about their relationship.

«Oh my...Why-How ? You-You saw me reading his books and never thought to mention it to me ?» Sebastian asks Kimi with a reproachful tone.

«Well, I genuinely thought you knew.» he shrugs «And honestly, you wouldn't have believed me if I told you how I learned about it.»

Then, as Kimi starts his story, his words fade out more which each seconds that pass while Lewis remembers the events that followed this particular moment.

It happened in the early stage of their relationship, 6 or 7 years ago. Lewis wasn't there to see it with his own eyes, so he couldn't tell precisely if Kimi wasn't making up entirely the part involving him saving a very drunk Nico from embarrassing himself in front of a blood-thirsty journalists crowd of journalists.

All he knew is that Nico had just come back home one day from an event he was invited to, looking overtly remorseful about something Lewis couldn't figure out. After a good hour of coaxing, his partner had confessed he had ran into Kimi during that event and that his tongue slipped and he had introduced himself as his boyfriend. The excitement of meeting a colleague of Lewis for the first time and the few drinks he had downed before bumping into Kimi having only helped this mistake of his. 

And even through a wave of irrational fears had washed over Lewis then, wondering how or when his rival would use this private information against him, it was nothing in comparison to the rush of endearment he felt toward Nico at this confession. His partner still rosy cheeks and slightly tousled hair wasn't something he ever managed to be angry at anyway.

«-wis ? You're still with us ?» Sebastian's amused voice snaps him back into focus.

«Oh, sorry, yeah got distracted for a second !»

«Man, you're properly wiped for him, it's almost cute.» Kimi remarks dryly.

Once Lewis regain his composure, Sebastian's bombards him with questions about Nico : How is he in private, in which language they communicate, if Lewis knows about any upcoming writing project of his, if Nico writes his book on paper or on computer and a myriads of others questions. To his own surprise, Lewis is more than happy to indulge Sebastian's examination.

« And by the way why have I never seen him around in the paddock ? He does like Formula 1, I hope ?» Sebastian asks in a strangely self-conscious voice.

«Seb, I think it's enough for now.»

«But I've got so many questions !» Sebastian whines.

«Yes, a little bit too many for Lewis I think. Besides, it's almost 7pm, you need to rest to be ready for tomorrow.» Kimi insists as he starts gathering their belongings. Sebastian looks a bit embarrassed at himself for displaying his almost fan-boyish enthusiasm over Nico, but he still can't hide his excitement when Lewis tells him Nico will be delighted to hear Sebastian is a fan of his _as well_. They talk a bit more after exiting the restaurant, Kimi eventually joining in their discussion until Lewis reach his Mercedes motorhome.

«Anyway, I stop here. Rest well Seb, we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow !» he takes Sebastian into a warm embrace before nodding to Kimi «It was nice talking with you as well.»

«You too, Lewis !» says Sebastian «- and tell your boyfriend to come over in Austria !» adds Kimi.

«Since when do you give advice about other people's relationship ?» Lewis hears Sebastian's hushed voice as they walk away behind him.

«Oh I don't know, being stuck with you gives me a lot of...»

Lewis tunes out the rest of Sebastian and Kimi's bickering as he closes the door behind him. A small smile appears on his face. He catches himself thinking that he'll never understand how the two of them work together, but it's undeniable that they still do.

Once he reaches his private room, he allows himself to think about Kimi's suggestion as he drops himself on his bed. His cold, empty and impersonal bed, surrounded by equally cold and impersonal walls.

Indeed, there's no denying that Nico being alongside him during a Grand Prix, especially when he spend most of his days missing him, would be indescribable for him. Just by thinking about it, his own heart soars.

Yet, it's never something he's dared to ask of his partner. When they got together, he was just fresh out of a difficult year with McLaren and he was too eager to prove his total dedication to his new team. At that time, he couldn't afford any distractions during Grand Prix, Niki and his team back then certainly wouldn't have let that slides by them. Then, they just fell into this unspoken agreement that keeping their relationship on the downlow was the best solution until Lewis felt comfortable enough in his own team to invite Nico. Yet, years had passed and Lewis never dared to ask. They had worked well enough around the routine Lewis career imposed for the past years after all. One that allowed for their relationship to build itself far away from the curious eyes of the public and the pressure that came naturally with it.

But now.

Now it seems that things are different, that this need to protect their relationship has turned against them without them noticing. Both Nico and him are clearly feeling the strains it put on their relationship and it seems clear to him now, that a change is long overdue.

And today, Lewis feels too drained by the loneliness that inhabits his every limbs to do anything else more complicated than to dial Nico's phone.

«Hey, love ! Was the testing session any good ?» he hears Nico's voice greets him on the other end of the phone.

«I...Um. Yes. I-» his words get stuck in his throat, not knowing how to ask a question he should have asked years ago.

«You're alright ?»

«Yes, yes, sorry...» he needs to ask now, to use this moment of impulsivity and bravado before it leaves him, he thinks as he takes a long inhale «Do You- Um Nico do you want to come to the Austrian Grand Prix with me ?»

The other end of the phone remains silent for a few dreadful seconds.

«I mean, of course I totally understand if you have something else planned ! Besides, you probably are bu-»

«Do you want me to come ?» Nico finally interrupts, his voice surprisingly rough.

«I would want nothing more!» he answers earnestly.

«Then of course. Of course Lewis. I'll be with you there.» his partner's gentle voice, almost nothing more than a whisper, reaches out to him through the speaker of his phone.

Later on, Lewis won't be able to remember the rest of their discussion. Yet, as he closes his eyes that night, he swears he can feel Nico's arms around his waist and this sensation, even if it's just an illusion, is all that matters to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of troubles with this chapter. The beginning pleased me and my initial plan was to end the chapter with Lewis getting uncomfortable with Seb's questions and then hastily retreating back in his motorhome, feeling even more lonely than before bc Seb and Kimi reminded him of Nico and himself. But the end was too depressing so I totally did a 180° on it and IF i write a 3rd chapter I already had it planned to involve Nico supporting Lewis during a difficult Grand Prix soooo at the end this chapter is alright I guess lol.


	3. Chapter 3

Lewis entire brain must be made of air. It's the only logical reasoning that explains how he managed to lose his passport. He could have sworn he had already packed it in the external pocket of his suitcase, ready to be used at the airport to take his flight to Barcelona for the second week of testing. Yet, the little burgundy booklet remains nowhere in sight. He searched the entire living-room and Nico's study without result. On the brink of losing all hope, he pushes wide open the door to their dressing room, ready to rummage through its closets.

He's stopped in his momentum by the sight of Nico standing precariously on a stool to reach one of the top shelf.

«Nico ? What are you doing ?»

Surprised by the intrusion, Nico's equilibrium falters on the stool while he extirpates a relatively small travel bag and lands heavily on his two feet on the floor.

«I'm...Uh-» he stops himself to scratch his head «I was thinking that- Uhm...You said that you missed me during the last testing session and I was missing you at home as well...So, I thought that maybe I could follow you to Barcelona ?»

«I-»

«Unless you want to focus on the second tests and then I can wait for the Australian Grand Prix ? I mean I just thought...» Nico ends his sentence halfway through,looking suddenly unsure of himself.

«Pullovers.» he blurts out.

«What ?»

«You need pullovers. Barcelona's almost as cold as Monaco this time of the year.» he clarifies as the corners of his lips curl upward. Nico's confused expression soon turn into one that shows his relief and that instantly makes Lewis forgets about his missing passport.

«Well, lucky me, look like I'll have a personal guide to show me around !»

«The only thing I'll be able to guide you will be on how to navigate between piles of tires and crowds of journalists.» he answers good-humoredly.

«Awesome, can't wait !» beams Nico «Oh, and by the way, your passport was on the floor, you must have dropped it !» he adds offhandedly.

It's decided then, he's going to make it his mission to help Nico pack every single essential item for their vacation, er...For his own _very_ important, _serious_ work trip to Barcelona, he catches himself correcting, almost afraid that Toto could be somehow listening to his thoughts at this moment.

Packing together turns into a complex operation as they bicker about the best way Nico should fold his shirts in the travel-bag and about how many pair of sunglasses he needs – Lewis suggesting that five would be a good start and Nico reminding him that he only owns one.

Thirty minutes later, Nico's wardrobe is almost turned upside-down and they've packed and unpacked his travel bag far more time than it should be allowed to try to fit everything Lewis insisted Nico packed. All those efforts to redo it all again, when they realize that they didn't have anymore space for Nico's notebook and his laptop.

Yet, Lewis feels like he's floating on a cloud, high up in the sky and he can't wait to do it all over for the rest of his career.

***

As it turns out, focusing on the technicalities of the last settings on his Formula One car is even more difficult with Nico around. The absentminded, impassive expression he wore during the first round of testing simply morphs into a serene, dreamy look and his concentration remains nowhere to be seen.

As soon as they arrived on the circuit's ground, Nico and him started their day by a walk around the paddock with their dog, Lewis showing to Nico every single details of the infrastructure. He's got years to make up for after all. And, if he can use this opportunity to show off Nico to everybody on the paddock, well, he's only human after all. Besides, it's a great blackmail material provider against Sebastian, whose starstruck eyes and his inability to meet Nico's eyes as he fawned over his lover was nothing but hilarious.

Therefore, when he sees the way Nico seems to simply glow next to him, asking him thousands of questions about everything that surrounds him and holding his hand tightly, a part of him regrets that he didn't get the courage to show the world the man by his side before.

Yet, there’s a new kind of liveliness that fuels his every steps as Nico walks beside him and at the end of the day, his past hesitations and doubts become distant thoughts.

It's why he can't really be blamed when, as soon as his last interview of the evening is over, he almost drags Nico back to the privacy of his motorhome to make up for all the years they've lost.

«Lewis ! Lewis, stop I'm going to fall over ! » pleads Nico in a fit of giggle as Lewis leads him through the darkness of his motorhome's bedroom while trying to answer to his lover's impatient and hungry kisses at the same time.

«Nope, not stopping, not a chance...» Lewis answers just as his knees finally hit his bed and he lets himself fall on the mattress, pulling Nico down with him. Surprised, his partner lets out a high pitched scream at the sudden move.

If it was any other day, Lewis would have taken his sweet time to undress Nico slowly and to follow an unhurried rhythm between the two of them. This time is different through and Lewis doesn't give Nico any seconds to adjust to his position on the bed as he maneuvers himself on top of him, locking him in a tight hold with both his legs around Nico's waist.

Tonight, he knows that Nico is his but for the first time since the birth of their relationship, the world is aware of it as well. With this thought in mind, the almost voracious appetite that stirs up in his body can't be ignored. He willfully surrenders to it and even through the darkness, his mouth finds its path to the juncture of Nico's neck on his shoulder, hands touching every parcels of skin they can reach. In rhythm with his caresses, Nico can do nothing but lets out breathy moans as he writhes underneath him. It's _almost_ perfect.

«No, wait. This won't do it.» Lewis suddenly exclaims «I'm gonna put the lights on !» he adds as he distances himself from Nico abruptly.

«Wha-Are you serious ?» Lewis feels Nico's arms trying to hold him back. After a few steps in the dark, he finally blindly reaches for the light-switch at the entrance of his room.

He can't help but let a victorious hum when light finally floods the room. Just as he thoughts, his lover flushed face, his tousled hair and basically every part of Nico is an indescribable sight to behold _._

«Just wanted to be able to see you...» he ends up voicing out.

Under the light of his room, Nico's petulant expression is nothing but too endearing for a 34 yearsold man. And Lewis himself is even more ridiculous for not being able to resist it, he thinks as he almost leaps back in the bed and let his lips reunite with Nico's « I want to see you all the time.» he carries on softly «All the time.».

In response, Nico whines as Lewis focus once again in leaving little kisses and bites on every inch of the skin of his neck.

Somehow, as tangled in each other as they are, they manage to get rid of each other's clothing in a few movements. Soon enough, Nico is only wearing his boxer and his gasps of air fill the room as Lewis starts playing teasingly with the elastic of his undergarment.

When Lewis finally reaches Nico's already hardened member, his lover starts to almost purr at the touch and it's all it takes for Lewis to feel like he's falling dizzyingly fast into an abyss, where he's surrounded by nothing but the sight, smell and feel of Nico against his own body. His entire focus shift to reading every twist of the mouth, every exhale and movement of his lover, just to tune himself entirely to attend Nico's needs to the best of his capacities .

When he fully regains his senses, the images of Nico's burning gazes and pliancy against him as they both reached their completion is still fresh in his mind. He hopes it'll never leave him.

Now though, the devouring heat that they shared has long been replaced by exchanges of soft words and a quiet sense of contentment as they both lay side by side, observing each other.

«If I had knew-» Nico starts, still feeling breathless «If I had knew you were like that during testing, I wouldn't have accepted to wait this long to tag along with you during them.» he finishes with a smirk.

A small chuckle escapes Lewis mouth, even though he feels at the same time a wave of undefined emotions starting to boil in his stomach. He want to articulate how much he loves his partner, to say anything really, just to be able to unfold every sensations that courses his body and his mind but his body frustratingly doesn't seem willing to collaborate with him.

He yearns to ask how is it even possible to have seen as many different countries and riches cultures as him, to meet hundreds of people every week and yet to still only want to see his lover's face. He's the only person he has in mind to call whenever any doubts cross his mind, who was always there to help him become the man he is. He's is anchor, his rock, whatever they call it... He's _it_.

It's almost too much to bear, this discrete enlightenment that shakes his very core. He doesn't know what to do, what to say, what is going on, only that his entire body burns with the need to apologize to Nico for making him wait so long for him to come to this conclusion.

But because he knows he's not nearly half as good as Nico with his words, he remains silent as he rests his head on Nico's abdomen. With a little bit of luck, his own thoughts will seep through Nico's chest and directly to his heart.

Dozens of minutes pass where Lewis cannot find sleep as he tries to make sense of his inner thoughts. Against him, the regular patterns of the rise and fall of Nico's chest indicates him that his lover is already fast asleep.

In the privacy of their room, the circus of the paddock seems oddly distant, almost secondary to Lewis. He only spares them an offhand thought as he muses briefly about the upcoming year and all the expectations that people put on his shoulders. Journalists, Formula One fans, his own team : they all expect him to win his seventh world championship as if it is the only thing to be acceptable for him. And God knows how one year ago, he would have gone crazy with the pressure people put on him as they wait for him to show the world if he can reach or not the height of his career.

But now, he realizes that all of it doesn't matter : he already reached his prime a long time ago. At least, it's the last thought that crosses his mind as he looks at Nico one last time before falling into a deep and peaceful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> My initial plan for this fic was to make it a 4+1 fic of 4 times Lewis realized he missed more and more Nico through 2020 and the 1 time he decided that he had enough of it (aka that it was time for him to retire). This is just part 1 of it and when i saw the length of it I decided to just post it like that, and see if I wanted to come back later to actually write the 4 others parts in a second chapter. Maybe I will, maybe I won't ^^'


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